Can’t You Keep Trying?

Many years ago, a woman went to the village spring to get water for the day. She took her young daughter with her. She was so glad that her daughter was finally big enough to help her with this daily task.

When they got to the spring, the woman knelt down and looked her daughter in the face and told her what to do. “You hold the bucket very still. I will lean down to the spring, use the ladle, and fill up the bucket.” Her daughter nodded, excited to be helping her mother.

The mother then started using the ladle to pour fresh water into the bucket. With each movement, she heard the water splash into the bucket. After a while, she asked her daughter if the bucket was full. Her daughter answered, “No Mama,” so she kept filling. After many more minutes, she asked if it was full and the answer came, “No Mama.”

The woman then straightened up, gently took the bucket from her daughter, and looked inside. The bucket was totally empty! She turned the bucket over and looked for a hole, but there was none. She was so upset and disappointed, and her daughter asked her what was wrong. She asked her daughter what had happened to the water. Her daughter answered with an adorable grin, “I poured it out and watched it trickle back into the spring. It looked so pretty glistening down the rocks, that I couldn’t stop.”

The woman then gently explained to her daughter that this was not going to work because they needed a full bucket of water for the day. Her daughter then understood, and held the bucket still while her mother filled it and they walked home.

Isn’t that a sweet story? All the mother had to do was to tell her daughter the purpose of the water and the daughter understood, and stopped pouring out the water. But some people don’t work that way at all.

A refusing cheater wants his/her emotional bucket filled at all times, but he/she doesn’t do anything productive with the emotional energy it took to fill the bucket. Instead, he/she just likes to pour out your hard earned efforts on the ground because it is amusing to look at them. But he/she has no motivation to do anything different.

So the answer to the question is yes, the spouse of a refuser can keep trying. But eventually he/she will realize that their hard efforts are being wasted. A normal person will then stop wasting efforts on someone who does not value his/her efforts.


My Misery Helped Someone

I periodically post on a reddit forum called “Dead Bedrooms,” and I try to offer advice or help when I can. Sometimes, a poster will write about being in an unmarried relationship that is totally or virtually sexless. In those cases, I am tempted to immediately tell the person to run as fast as he/she can to get out of the relationship, but that rarely works. The poster is usually very emotionally attached to the person and desperately wants the relationship to work out. So if a reply says to get out, the original poster will state all of the reasons why this person is absolutely perfect, except for the lack of sex.

Recently, a 21-year-old woman posted her story. She was saying that her boyfriend of three years has not had sex with her in the last six months. He also will not talk about the issue at all. However, she thinks that he is her soul mate, and she cannot imagine not having him in her life. However, the sex is so infrequent and unsatisfying that she would like to find a “Friend With Benefits.” Her preference would be a man in a sexless marriage with whom she could periodically have sex with and then both of they could go back to their refusing partners.

I wrote the following response and this is her reply to my response…

My Response –
Quote – “I’ve never cheated on my LL M25 bf of almost 3 years, who refuses to give me sex, talk about sex, or fix our sexless relationship in any way.”
I am so sorry he treats you this way. This is wrong and you should not accept it.
“I just cant leave him, even though we have only had sex once in the last 6 months…and no sex for the last 4 months,”
I certainly can understand why you would feel this way. Getting out of a relationship can certainly hurt.
But I would like you to imagine something. You are 45 years old, you have three kids at home, you work a part time job, you have a house and two car payments. Now you realize that things are never going to change, he never looks at you in a sexual way, he never touches you, and he never even considers having sex with you. And when you approach him, he rolls his eyes, and gets as far away from you as possible. And he STILL will not discuss sex at all.
How hard do you think it will be to extricate yourself from THAT situation? Your BF may be a good person, a great friend, and a wonderful companion, but he is NOT a good candidate for marriage. If you are only in this for 3 years, and you are already thinking of outsourcing, this is not the right relationship for you.
You are very young and have your whole life in front of you. There are many many men who would have everything your BF does AND would want to have sex with you!! Please consider ending things.
I suggest that you tell him in no uncertain terms that unless the sex issue is resolved, the relationship is in jeopardy. Then give him three months. If he has not made any changes in that time, he is not going to.
Please carefully consider this. I got into a miserable marriage thinking things would get better and wound up in 28 years of misery. I really wish someone had told me in 1988 what I am telling you now. Please don’t make the same mistake I did.

–Her Reply to My Response
If i could, I would vote best answer for this. In this one simple post, you’ve given me a sense of clarity about this that I couldn’t get elsewhere. I actually followed exactly what you said. I told him this needs to change, and gave him 2-3 months to do something about it. I will update you on what happens. Seriously, i cannot cannot CANNOT thank you enough! thank you!!!!
So it seems that my 28 years of misery actually helped another person. I still lost the vast majority of my life and almost all of my sex life, but at least it may have helped someone avoid the prison of a sexless marriage. I have done more good than most churches.

Adultery vs. Sexual Refusal (in marriage)

If you go to any Christian church, you will probably find that in marriage, the biggest sexual sin that is talked about is adultery. Yes, it is the big no-no. You better not do it, or you are getting right on the road to hell.

This comes from Exodus 20:14, “Thou shalt not commit Adultery.”

This is very clear, isn’t it?

Then there is Matthew 5:27, ““You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’

So the Bible is pretty clear that Adultery is wrong. But what is Adultery? In the Biblical context, it means having sex with someone who is married to someone else, or having sex with someone other than your spouse when you are married.

But the Bible does NOT say that you should NEVER commit adultery, right? I mean, sometimes you just have to! What? That doesn’t make sense? The Bible says don’t do it, and that is what it means? Are you sure? Isn’t this just the ideal? If your spouse does have sex with someone else, don’t you think you are doing something wrong? Shouldn’t you talk to him/her and ask him/her what it is that causes him/her to have sex with someone else.

Of course, the previous paragraph is ridiculous, right? When the Bible says DON’T do it, it means don’t ever do it. Everyone agrees that when the Bible says don’t do something, it means don’t ever do it. It doesn’t mean that you can do it if you really want to. But not all of the Biblical mandates are treated this way. For instance, take a look at this verse…

1 Corinthians 7:5, “5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer.”

You will find that there are MANY MANY “Christian” authors and self-proclaimed experts who will tell you that this verse doesn’t mean what it says. They will say that sometimes, you just have to deprive your spouse of sex. They will say that no one can be expected to NEVER refuse sex to his/her spouse, and the Bible doesn’t mean what it says.

But those same “experts” will tell you that Adultery is ALWAYS wrong. They will say that the Bible says “don’t do it” and that is the end of the discussion. But they seem to ignore the fact that the same Bible that forbids adultery also forbids sexual refusal in marriage.

So why do these experts say this? Maybe they like to refuse their own spouses, or maybe they just don’t like the idea that God would tell someone to do something that is unpleasant. But doesn’t the entire Bible say to do things that we don’t want to do? What about “turn the other cheek”? Jesus said if someone strikes you on one cheek, you should turn the other one to him so that the person can strike you again. Does that sound easy?

So there is really no good answer why preachers, pastors, ministers, elders or other church leaders ignore one command but demand full obedience to the other. I expect that someday God will ask them to explain it.

My Divorce Status

I did get a question today asking about the status of my divorce. Well, I have sent my refusing cheater’s lawyer all of my financial information, and pictures of my firearms collection. However, my refusing cheater has not divulged any of her financial information. I know that she has two accounts that she thought were secret from me during our joke of a marriage, and I have no idea how much she has in them.

I do know that she was taking out $500 per month from her paycheck every month, and I have no idea where she put it. She certainly never spent any of it on me or the kids. So I assume she still has it. She did this for at least six years. So that would be $36,000. Also, I have no idea how much her mom gave her before she died, so who knows how much she has?

So it appears that she wants a chunk of my retirement without ever disclosing how much money she has. Of course, that is not going to sit well with a judge.

The divorce is progressing, albeit slowly.

To Refusers: Is Sex Important

I am writing this primarily to the refusing spouse. You are the one who has denied sex to your spouse on a regular or permanent basis. I know, you cannot believe that your spouse is so upset about sex. It is not that big of a deal. You are not rejecting him/her, you are just not in the mood. If he/she really cared about you as a person, then sex would not matter.

Now, your husband or wife is talking about divorcing you because of a lack of sex! How dare could he/she even consider divorcing you over such a trivial matter as sex? Marriage is so much more than sex! It is about commitment and companionship! Besides, what if you were sick or injured and could no longer have sex? Is it ok for a spouse to leave under those circumstances? Of course not! Divorce should NEVER be considered, especially for such a selfish, shallow reason.

I have a solution for your problem! Since you believe that sex is such a trivial matter, and marriage is so much more, you could not object to your husband or wife having sex with someone else, could you? You just said yourself that sex is not that big of a deal. So since it is not that big of a deal, it should not matter if he/she has sex with someone else, right? Just think: you both win! Your spouse is getting his/her needs met elsewhere, and you are absolved of any responsibility of meeting those needs.

Pardon me, what was that you said? You think that would be a betrayal. But how could that be? You have already said that sex is no big deal and should not matter? And since it doesn’t matter, then it shouldn’t matter that your spouse is having it with someone else, right?

Oh, you think it would be painful for you? If you are a wife, the idea of your husband lying on top of another woman, putting his mouth to her breast, and penetrating her vagina with his penis makes you want to cry. If you are a husband, the idea of another man caressing your wife’s breasts, and sliding his penis into her vagina makes you very upset. So just the thought of your spouse being that intimate with another person is upsetting, yet the idea of your spouse longing and begging for that same intimacy from you does not bother you in the slightest.

So you have no problem inflicting the pain of rejection on your spouse, but the idea of him/her having sex with someone else makes you feel sad, upset, dare I say, REJECTED! If you are intellectually honest, you will realize that you have betrayed your spouse just as much as if you were porking the pool boy or maid. However, if you still cling to the contradictory belief that sexual refusal in marriage is fine, but extramarital sex is not, it is a waste of time to discuss the matter with you. However, you may want to be prepared at any time for your spouse to start having sex with someone else, serve you with divorce papers, or both.

Just Stop It Already!

This is going to be kind of a rant, so you may want to just skip this entry.

Often, I will run across a Christian sex site, where the “marriage expert” will mention that he/she had some sexual experiences before marriage, but now that he/she is married, everything is absolutely wonderful! Some will even say that They say they might have had some problems along the way, but they now have the most wonderful marriage possible.

They will say that no one should EVER have sex before marriage, because sex in marriage is so awesome. So they are saying that they had a lot of sex before marriage, but you should do as they say and not as they did. So even though this person got to experience a lot of fun, casual sex, no one else should.

So let’s examine this a bit more closely. This marriage “expert” did NOT do what God expected of him or her, but expects you to do exactly that. However, he/she does not talk about anything negative that happened to him/her as a result of his/her ignoring God’s rules. The material just says that things are wonderful now.

Does this make sense at all? A person gets to have a lot of fun, exciting, wonderful casual sex, and then says “King’s X,” “I am being a good Christian now,” “No one gets to criticize me.” Is that the right thing to say?

Some of these people, if confronted with this, will become indignant and say that they had LOTS of consequences of their sin, and it was wrong. However, they do not enumerate any of said consequences, and just assure readers that they were there. However, they have no problem talking about the wonderful marriage they have now.

I think this is a bunch of crap. If these “experts” want to have some credibility, they need to talk about the consequences before they can expect people to listen to their wonderful advice. I say they need to talk about the bad and not just the good. Then their advice will be much more valuable.

I am starting to see why people are so opposed to churches. The hypocrisy is being shouted so loud that it drowns out any good you could hear.

Hypothetical for Refusers

I am writing directly to the refusers now. I know, of course, that there are virtually no refusers that read this blog, but maybe one of you refused spouses can print this out and read it to your refusing cheater.

I know that many of you refusers have children, and you love them very much. How would you feel knowing that one of your sweet children was being refused on a regular basis? Is that something you would wish on your child?

Imagine your son has been married 5 years, and one day he comes to your home alone. He is obviously upset, and his cheeks have tear tracks all the way down to his chin. You can tell that something horrible has happened, but you can see that he is not injured & he says that his wife is fine.

Finally, he composes himself and begins to talk to you. He says that after the wedding, he was so excited to experience sex with his new bride. However, not only did she refuse him on the wedding night, but she did not have sex with him on the entire honeymoon. They did manage to have sex later, but at the most it was 10 times a year. Sex is also on her terms when it does happen, and if he complains, she told him he better be thankful that she is willing at all. But for the last 10 months, she has cut him off completely, and now accuses him of having erectile dysfunction. How would you feel about your son’s wife at this time?

Or maybe it is your wonderful daughter. Just 5 years ago, you watched her walk down the aisle looking radiant. She was marrying the man of her dreams. You had never seen any other girl look as beautiful on her wedding day. But she comes to your home in tears. Her makeup is smudged, and her eyes are red from crying. She just hugs you and holds on as if she would die if she let go. Finally, you get her to a point where she can talk, and she blurts out, “I’m ugly!” You are not sure that you heard her right, so you ask and she says it again, “I’m UGLY!!” You can’t believe that she would ever say this. This is the girl who had to turn down offers for dates, was voted homecoming queen, was constantly approached with offers to model while in college, and now she thinks she is ugly? How in the world could she ever think such a thing? Finally, she tells you. It seems that her husband has refused to have sex with her for the last two years, and he has told her that it is because her eyes are set too close, her nose is too big, her lips are too full, and her hips are too wide. So how do you feel about your daughter’s husband now?

The point is obvious. You are doing the exact same thing to your spouse!!! Your spouse is feeling rejected, unattractive and ugly. And it is completely your fault! If you want to preserve your marriage, you need to turn things around as soon as possible. It may not be too late, but you have to start RIGHT NOW!!! Go to your husband or wife, look him/her in the eyes and apologize. Tell him/her that you are very sorry that you have betrayed him/her and you are resolved to change this today. Take him or her into the bedroom and give him/her the best sexual experience he/she has ever had. This is not the time to “think about it,” “try,” or start counseling. That time has long passed. It is time for action. If you want to save your marriage, don’t waste another second.