A Personal Update

I realized that it has been a very long time since I wrote anything personal here, so it is about time.

My divorce was finalized a while back, and now I am remarried. My new wife tells me that she never knew there were men as wonderful as me, and she never knew she could have someone like me in her life. She absolutely adores me, and I feel the same.

As to sex, we are quite compatible. We make love every night before bed, and first thing in the morning. If one of us is not feeling well, we do skip then, but that is a rare exception. Frankly, I never knew I could be this happy.

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A Sad Truth

Wow it has been a while since I wrote on this blog!
I have been thinking of writing this for a while, but I was hesitant because many refused spouses may not be ready to read it, but I have decided that we all need to hear it. It is, of course, only my opinion, but I have to say it.

If you are being sexually refused by your spouse for any extended length of time, you are being betrayed. It is sexual betrayal of the most insidious kind. It is insidious because it is continual denial of the most basic part of marriage. Sex is understood to be an essential part of marriage.

Of course, there are medical and/or psychological reasons that a spouse may not be able to have sex, but then one has to ask if that spouse is actively seeking treatment to resolve the issue. If the spouse refuses to seek treatment, he/she is consciously deciding to betray his/her spouse.

But this is the part that has really hit me the last few months. My refuser did not love me. If she did, she would have at least been nice about refusing sex. Instead, whenever I brought it up, she would tell me that it didn’t matter because my penis didn’t even work any more.

So I have to tell you, if your spouse is a refuser, HE OR SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!! You can say that he/she is a wonderful person, a great friend, and you have a wonderful marriage except for this one little thing. But the truth is this: YOUR REFUSER DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!!

The Most Dangerous Point in a Celibate Marriage

That is a really intriguing title, isn’t it? If you are a refuser, wouldn’t you like to know?

When is it? The most dangerous point in a celibate marriage is when the refusing cheater’s victim stops asking for sex or complaining about the lack of sex.

This may sound strange because this is when the refusing cheater becomes relieved. After all, he/she now doesn’t have to worry about being criticized or hounded about sex anymore. Finally, the rejecting cheater can have some peace.

But here is the problem. When the rejected spouse stops asking, that means one of two things has happened. Either the rejected spouse has totally given up, or the rejected spouse has found someone else. And if the first thing has happened, it is likely to lead to the second thing.

You see, a spouse who has been sexually rejected over and over will eventually get the message that sex is not going to happen. He/she will eventually decide that asking for sex and being refused is degrading, and he/she will no longer want to degrade him or herself. In my case, I stopped approaching my refuser in April of 2005. I approached her at that time, and I was rebuffed. I remember specifically thinking that I would never put myself in a situation where I would feel that rejection ever again.

When this happens, things are really serious. This means that the rejected spouse has hit a very significant milestone. The pain of rejection has overwhelmed the potential pleasure of sexual release with the refusing cheater.

Also, there is the very distinct possibility that the rejected spouse has found someone else to fulfill him/her. This is because a rejected spouse is usually a VERY attractive person. The reason is that the rejected spouse has spent years or decades trying to make him/herself as attractive as possible. He/she has tried to be sweet, considerate and accommodating in a futile attempt to woo a refusing cheater. After these years of practice, a normal person will find the refusing cheater to be one of the most attractive people the normal person has ever met. And the formerly rejected spouse will think he/she has died and gone to heaven. He/she will not believe that someone of the opposite sex actually wants him/her to be fulfilled.

So if you are a refusing cheater, and your rejected spouse has stopped approaching you for sex, you better be very wary. And if you don’t want a divorce, you really better start figuring out a way to become sexually attractive to the spouse you have neglected for so long.

And don’t bother waiting to hear from a church what to do in this situation because they won’t know. Especially since you will not be telling the church leaders that you cheated your spouse out of a normal sexual relationship.

Long Term Effects of Sexual Rejection

So what happens to the spouse of a refusing cheater? Why can’t he or she just not let it bother him/her? Why is it such a big deal? How does it affect that person in the future?

Well, one of the first things that comes to my mind is that the rejected spouse feels deceived. With very few exceptions, there is no one who enters into marriage believing that he or she will have little or no sex (except of course, the refusing cheater). I have heard of one exception where a woman who trained service dogs married one of her customers. Because he was a quadriplegic, she knew that there would be no sex in her “marriage.” But that is very rare.

Every person I know of, including me, who was sexually rejected on the honeymoon felt incredibly deceived by the refusing cheater. It is unreasonable for anyone to be sexually rejected on the wedding night, or the rest of the honeymoon. Anyone who would suggest that this is ok is not very bright, or a refusing cheater him/herself.

As for not letting it be bothersome, this is quite difficult for a normal person. A NORMAL man has quite a bit of a hormone called testosterone in his veins which makes him a man. It is the reason that men are bigger, stronger, and more protective than women. It is also what gives men their sex drives. A NORMAL woman also has testosterone, though not as much as a man. However, a normal woman wants to be validated and wants to feel that she is attractive and is wanted by the man she marries. Without that, she feels strange, ugly, unfeminine. Being desired is a normal need for both genders.

This is a big deal because in a marriage, sex is what sets the relationship apart from other relationships. You can be friends with anyone, talk to anyone, interact with anyone, but if you are married, you should be sexual with one person alone. When someone gets married, he/she signs up for monogamy, not celibacy.

As for the future, this affects people in many negative ways. If, by the grace of God, the rejected spouse ever gets away from the refusing cheater, the rejected spouse will feel very unattractive, and hesitant to approach someone. If he/she does get into another relationship, he/she will feel that he/she is not good enough. The years of rejection will affect him or her for the rest of his/her life. And the funny part is that the refusing cheater will never care.

Yes, it is a horrible way to treat someone. But as long as churches ignore this sin, and demands that the rejected spouse stays with a rejecting cheater, there will be more and more devastated people.

The Progression of a Sexless Marriage

I was thinking of how a person ends up in a sexless marriage. When someone gets married, he/she assumes that he/she will be sexually monogamous. That is a given, you know, “forsaking all others” but the marriage vows do not explicitly state that the marriage will include sex. My refusing cheater was always quick to point this out. However, the vast majority of people understand that a marriage SHOULD include sex. When a person agrees to be married, he/she is signing up for monogamy, not celibacy.

However, prior to the wedding, no one tells there intended spouse that he/she intends to withhold sex. This could be for one of two reasons:
1) The prospective spouse does not know that he/she will not be withholding sex, or
2) The prospective spouse knows that he/she will be withholding sex, but keeps that a secret because he/she knows that the other prospective spouse will not go forward with the marriage knowing that sex will be withheld.

So let’s say that the sex does not work out on the honeymoon. What does the refused spouse do? I have talked about this with friends, and they have told me that they would immediately get on a plane, go home, and have the marriage annulled as soon as possible. However, most people are not that harsh, and want to think the best of another person. So we just suck it up and hope that things will get better.

When the marriage continues, the refused spouse may have sex on an infrequent basis, and may even bring up the fact that he/she is not being sexually satisfied. Because that is what one is supposed to do if he/she is not happy in the marriage, right? Talking about a problem with one’s spouse and trying to come to a solution is what virtually every marriage guru preaches.

However, with a sexually refusing spouse, things are different. The sexually refusing spouse tends to somewhat listen to complaints, at first, but he/she will then turn the situation around and explain to the refused spouse that the source of the problems lies with the behavior of the refused spouse. At first, the refused spouse accepts responsibility and tries to make the desired changes, but the marriage remains sexless or virtually sexless.

So then the refused may ask the refusing cheater why things have not improved. The refusing cheater will then offer the same excuses. When the refused spouse points out that he/she has been implementing the suggested changes, the refusing cheater will say that the refused spouse implemented the changes with the wrong attitude, or that he/she forgot to do some other things that were never mentioned.

So the refused spouse is continually trying to hit a moving target, always trying and being told that he/she has just fallen short of the required performance to earn sex from the refusing cheater. No matter how hard the refused spouse tries, the refusing cheater will further explain that he/she really wants to have sex, but the refused spouse has just performed to the level required to deserve the great honor of having sex with the refusing cheater.

This will go on and on for many years, and the refused spouse will continually feel worse and worse about himself/herself. He/she might still try to arouse the refusing cheater sometimes, but the pain of rejection makes it harder and harder for the refused spouse to take the risk of being rejected again.

Maybe the refused spouse simply shuts off his/her sexuality after years of rejection, and just resigns him/herself to a life of celibacy. Or maybe he/she starts to realize that he/she does not deserve to be treated this way any more. Then he/she decides to take action. This is the beginning of the end of a poor excuse for a marriage.

How to Avoid a Sexless Marriage

Just my suggestions,

1. Do NOT wait for marriage to have sex. I did, and I have been sorry every day since. If a person does want sex before marriage, he/she will not change after.

2. Specify your Expectations. If your minimum is twice a week, tell the other person. If he/she thinks that is too much, then it is time to break up.

3. Set clear boundaries and stick to them. If you cannot tolerate a month without sex, tell your prospective spouse. Make the consequences clear, something like this: the first time I go one month without sex, I will leave for a week, the second time I go without sex for a month, I will leave for a month, and the third time I go without sex for a month, I am divorcing you. People understand clear consequences.

4. Don’t hope that things will change. Unless you do something, nothing will change.

I am NOT saying that any spouse is obligated to have sex with the other spouse. In fact, I am saying that a spouse has the ABSOLUTE right to avoid sex. But that spouse has no right to impose celibacy on anyone.

Can’t You Keep Trying?

Many years ago, a woman went to the village spring to get water for the day. She took her young daughter with her. She was so glad that her daughter was finally big enough to help her with this daily task.

When they got to the spring, the woman knelt down and looked her daughter in the face and told her what to do. “You hold the bucket very still. I will lean down to the spring, use the ladle, and fill up the bucket.” Her daughter nodded, excited to be helping her mother.

The mother then started using the ladle to pour fresh water into the bucket. With each movement, she heard the water splash into the bucket. After a while, she asked her daughter if the bucket was full. Her daughter answered, “No Mama,” so she kept filling. After many more minutes, she asked if it was full and the answer came, “No Mama.”

The woman then straightened up, gently took the bucket from her daughter, and looked inside. The bucket was totally empty! She turned the bucket over and looked for a hole, but there was none. She was so upset and disappointed, and her daughter asked her what was wrong. She asked her daughter what had happened to the water. Her daughter answered with an adorable grin, “I poured it out and watched it trickle back into the spring. It looked so pretty glistening down the rocks, that I couldn’t stop.”

The woman then gently explained to her daughter that this was not going to work because they needed a full bucket of water for the day. Her daughter then understood, and held the bucket still while her mother filled it and they walked home.

Isn’t that a sweet story? All the mother had to do was to tell her daughter the purpose of the water and the daughter understood, and stopped pouring out the water. But some people don’t work that way at all.

A refusing cheater wants his/her emotional bucket filled at all times, but he/she doesn’t do anything productive with the emotional energy it took to fill the bucket. Instead, he/she just likes to pour out your hard earned efforts on the ground because it is amusing to look at them. But he/she has no motivation to do anything different.

So the answer to the question is yes, the spouse of a refuser can keep trying. But eventually he/she will realize that their hard efforts are being wasted. A normal person will then stop wasting efforts on someone who does not value his/her efforts.