I ran across a site that talks about Sexual Gatekeeping. I had not heard of this term before, but it really intrigued me. Forgivenwife.com. The woman says that she had been a sexual gatekeeper. She described this as she was the person holding the key to sex, and would only allow her husband to partake if he had completed a list of prerequisites. When I read this, my jaw fell open. This was exactly what my wife did before I stopped asking for sex in 2005. Any time I would approach her, she would have a list of things that I had done or not done, and that was the reason I could not have sex. Of course, when I did what she asked, she would have changed the requirements. This is not marriage. This is abuse, pure and simple.
Then there is complete refusal. My wife says that sex is painful, yet she has been to a gynecologist once in the past 5 years, and that was 3 years ago. I have no idea what she said nor what he told her. She just said that her the structure of her vagina was such that penetration was not possible and the doctor said she should not have surgery. Also, her vagina no longer produces any lubrication at all. So basically, she told me I was out of luck. To put it very bluntly, she has a shortened, dried up pussy.
But now here is the dilemma. My wife was able to control my behavior for a long time by using sex as a punishment/reward system. Then I stopped asking, but she would still have the urge at times, and I do admit, that occasional sex was better than no sex at all. But now, there is no sex, ever, nada, zilch. Add in the fact that I produce the vast majority of the income, do all the laundry and dishes, I clean bathrooms and vacuum, and do some of the cooking, and I am wondering why I need her around?
I was blessed, or cursed because of my situation, with a very high sex drive. My moral upbringing led me to the conclusion that the only place that this sex drive could be exercised would be in the context of marriage. I have lived on a near starvation diet when it comes to sex, and now I get none at all. In addition, my wife begins complaining when I get home and does not stop until bedtime. I dread going home because I am tired of listening to her. The weekends are horrible because she criticizes and berates me almost the entire time. I try to think of errands I can run so I can get away from her.
My point is that my wife used sex as a carrot/stick for years to control me. She told me for a long time if I did not submit to her demands, she would end my sex life forever. Now she has launched the nuclear option of complete refusal, but I am still standing. What can she do now? She has shot her ultimate bullet, so there is really no more she can do. My kids are adults, and if they hate me or not, they can make their own decisions.
Hey, I wonder if a minister or pastor will ever warn a husband or wife that ending the sex life will also end the marriage? Nope, it’ll never happen.