You have a friend, let’s call her Sally. One day Sally calls you to go to lunch. You meet her and she sounds really down. You ask her why, and she says she has made a big decision. She has decided to divorce her husband, Larry.
You are astonished because you know Larry very well. He always seems so sweet, he goes to church, and is very involved. He always says that he is “in the Word,” when something good happens, he says “That’s a God thing,” and says that he really “loves the Lord.”
But Sally tells you there is another side to Larry. Larry really likes other women. Every Friday night, he goes to a bar or club to meet women. Between 1 am and 2 am every Saturday morning, he brings one of these women to their home, takes her into the extra bedroom, and has sex with her. He is discreet in that he waits until Sally leaves to run errands to bring them out and take them home. Since their two daughters are grown and out of the house, they know nothing about this.
You ask Sally how long this has been going on. She says FIVE YEARS!! Now you really do fall out of your chair. You ask if she has ever told Larry that this is wrong and he should not be doing it. She says, “Of course!” You ask what he says, and she tells you that he says, “YOU ARE A FAT, UGLY BITCH AND CAN’T HAVE SEX ANYWAY!”
Sally, has finally made the decision that Larry’s behavior is wrong and she should not put up with it anymore. Now, here is my question: Would you tell Sally that she should tell Larry about her plans to divorce him so he could have a chance to work on his issues? Would you tell Sally that she really needs to explore her own behavior to find out why Larry wants to have sex with other women? Would you tell Sally that men are just different, that they don’t want to have sex unless they are attracted? Or would you just tell Sally to get away from that jerk as soon as she possibly can?
My wife has completely refused sex at all for over 5 years. For 5 years, I have been completely sexless. Every night, I lie in bed with a desperate longing for sexual fulfillment. I treat her well, I support her, she has all she needs, I do way more than my share of the housework, I cook and wash dishes, but this primary human need is denied me by a person who promised to love me and care for me for a lifetime. Every time I have asked about it, or said I don’t like the situation, she says, “Your penis does not even work anymore!”
But will you ever hear from a pulpit that a sexual refuser is sinning and it is not the refused spouse’s fault? Of course not, you are so silly!!