Refuser’s Rights!!

So if you are a refusing/gatekeeping wife, and you have actually read my blog posts, you may be thinking something like this, “Well, it is MY body, and don’t I have the RIGHT to decide if I want to have sex?”

My answer is a loud and resounding YES!! Of course, it’s your body and you have every right to have sex or not have sex as you choose. I would never consider saying that anyone MUST have sex if she does not want to. That would not only be wrong, but it would be repulsive to me and any other normal man.

I will even take it one more step. If you don’t really want to have sex with your husband, and you are only doing it out of obligation, you have the right not to do that either. You are not being true to yourself if you do that.


However, the women who have this perspective, such as my wife, seem to not understand another point. YOUR HUSBAND HAS RIGHTS JUST LIKE YOU DO!! Your husband has the right to expect sex in marriage! And if you are refusing/gatekeeping, you are infringing on his rights! And if you don’t want to change, your husband has the right to no be single. Yes, I know you are saying, “But the Bible says that God hates Divorce!” and that is completely true. However, do you really think that keeping your husband in a marriage where he constantly is in a state of frustration is pleasing to God? Of course it isn’t!

So what is the solution? Well, first of all, you need to recognize that your husband’s rights are just as important as your own. Sex is part of marriage. If you are not interested in sex, you probably should not be married because you are infringing on someone else’s rights. But no one should have sex against her will. So there are really two choices:

1) Calmly explain to your husband that you are not willing or able to fulfill this essential part of marriage, and plan for a peaceful divorce, or

2) Make a conscious choice, right now, to change.

So which one is easier? Well that depends on your particular situation. If you have no children, can support yourself, and don’t have to worry about religious consequences, Option 1 is probably the best. You can just divorce, get away from each other, and never see each other again.

If you have children, depend on your husband’s income, or both, you have a more difficult choice. If you are a refusing or gatekeeping wife, I can assure you that your husband is miserable. There may be a small percentage of men who would be happy with a celibate marriage, but the possibility that you are married to one is very very small. No normal heterosexual man is going to be happy with no sex or having to constantly jump through hoops to have sex. So now, if you want to keep him, you are going to have to learn to not just have sex, but to have sex with enthusiasm and enjoyment so that you are making the choice to be sexual.

By the way, I certainly hope you are paying attention because this is the kind of thing you will never ever hear from a pulpit.


2 thoughts on “Refuser’s Rights!!

  1. Spouses the refuse sex break the agreement – fidelity for access. Not that they agree with that – refusers insist upon monogamy by the other spouse, even though they are enforcing celibacy. I find it interesting that the hypocrisy is completely ignored. As long as the refuser is happy with their life, they expect the other to simply go along. I was a family law attorney for several years (dreadful way to make a living, BTW). Once, I had a client wanting a divorce. You see, her husband cheated and she “wasn’t going to put up with that s**t”. Turns out she had two affairs (different partners) that her husband learned of, forgave her for, and stayed with her. She refused to have sex with him (“I don’t find him attractive at all!”) for several years before he went outside their marriage. BTW, she told me this herself so I have no reason to doubt her. My point is the two standards are routinely applied by the person causing the problem. Simple question to ask yourself: What’s your bottom line? What’s the most you’ll take and what’s the least you’ll accept? You’d better know what those are, because if you don’t, the abuse will continue and intensify.


  2. Just saw your post on ilinasm telling of your blog. The “God Hates Divorce” argument always gets a rise out of me because of its misuse. Since you seem to be of Xian persuasion, get David Instone-Brewer’s two books Divorce and Remarriage In The Bible and Divorce and Remarriage In The Church. He shows how the church has badly screwed up its teaching on Divorce.

    I’ve written about it on my blog, as well.


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