If you have read any of this stuff that I have posted, you may be wondering why I don’t talk to other Christians. After all, isn’t that what the Bible says to do? Wouldn’t a Pastor/Minister, a Christian Counselor, or a Small Group be able to help or provide some insight or support?
The short answer is no. In my experience, a pastor or Christian counselor would not even consider telling a refusing/gatekeeping wife that she is sinning. If word of that got out, every woman in the church would do everything she could to ostracize anyone who suggested that a wife should be sexually available to her husband.
As to small groups, let me tell you a story. Recently, in my small group, a woman stated that her husband, who has been separated from her for a few years, had met someone else, and was planning a divorce. All the other women, including my refusing/cheating wife, went around her and hugged her and told her that they would support her and help her in any way they could. One of the women even told her in front of the whole group that she had done NOTHING wrong, and it was all her husband’s fault, so she should not feel bad at all.
Now let me tell you what would happen if I ever exposed my wife’s behavior of cheating/refusing/gatekeeping in my small group. I can imagine it right now. When it came my turn to share a prayer request, I would say that I had a serious issue to share. Everyone would be very quiet because I rarely have a prayer request. Then I would say that I am dealing with a serious problem in my marriage. My wife would then look directly at me and glare as if she was saying if I kept it up, there would be hell to pay. Then I would have to make a choice. If I decided to say that I am keeping it to myself, some people might try to draw me out. I would resist of course, and not say anything more.
However, if I continued, I would say my wife had a hysterectomy 5 ½ years ago, her body has some problems that prevent her from having sex, and she refuses to go to a doctor to discuss this. I would then say that I have tried to talk to her about this, but every time I bring it up, she says that my penis does not work anyway. I would then say that I find this very insulting, I have told her this, and she continues to say it anyway. I would then say that I think that sexual refusal for this long is just as sinful as a continuous, unapologetic, unconfessed adulterous affair. I would then have everyone’s FULL attention! My wife would then say something very rude, and run out of the room, followed by all of the other women in the group. No one would then speak to me at all, and I would eventually leave. My wife would have the full support of the entire group. She would be told by people I consider friends that she has a horrible jerk for a husband and that I don’t deserve her.
Some of the men would later come find me to admonish and rebuke me for acting in an Un-Christlike manner and NOT loving my wife as Christ loved the Church. I would be encouraged to repent, and I would be told that I am no longer welcome in the group and probably should find a new church.
Oh, that last paragraph? That is exactly the kind of thing you can hear from a pulpit.
thecelibatehusband 
How true! And the man or woman in a sexless marriage will be reminded how he or she said “for better or for worse.” And then we will hear about loving our wife as she is. Reading this gets me fired up too. I can so relate.
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I am an unmarried 23 year old man but can absolutely relate to this post. I am a Christian and love the Lord and love being part of church. All my life I have done the whole small group bible study thing and the level of female coddling and judgement of male needs is so high, it makes me not want to attend. The church (not the bible) not only has a backward view of sexuality both in and outside of marriage, but has a specific issue addressing male sexuality. Nevermind the gays not feeling they belong in church, look at all the straight christian men stuck in unhappy sexless marriages who are pressured to attend Sunday service so they can endure another long sermon about how they need to keep their sexuality under control so they don’t sin or dobt make their wives feel unloved. Meanwhile all the women in the pews are like “er ma gerd yess. Yall boys better luv yo wives like christ loved the church g or you’re going to hell!” So sick of that stuff. Men are suffering and are looking for outlets for their God given sexuality and all the church does is play the shame game.
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I wouldn’t be so sure about that. When I left my refuser, I didn’t tell our small group anything about the reasons. I didn’t see the need to expose him or myself to judgment. I did confide in one friend from my small group though. She (and later, her husband) was appalled about his refusing and has been completely supportive of me leaving and getting on with my life. The rest of the small group, the ones who don’t know my real reasons, are no longer in my life much. In retrospect, that’s probably my fault for not being honest with them.
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This is why I believe in God, but do not let religion push me around.
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