I’m a Refuser, But I Want to Change

Since it has been about a month since I have posted a somewhat positive entry, I thought I would do another one.

I was thinking that someone might want to know what my wife could have done to prevent me from being so miserable and wanting to divorce her. Well, there are many ways I could answer this, starting from the day we got married. But since this blog is about sexual refusal, I am just going to talk about what she could have done in the past 5 years.

Ok first, she could have followed her doctor’s instructions and come back to the doctor three months after the surgery. At that time, the doctor would have checked her hormone levels, talked to both of us, and we could have looked at options. I would have told the doctor that her moods are all over the place, and sex is impossible because of the pain.

Second, she could have listened to my complaints, taken them seriously, and made the necessary changes. She could have listened with empathy. Instead, every time I said that I was unhappy with our celibate marriage, she would make the following statement, “It doesn’t matter because your penis doesn’t even work anymore.” So what she was saying is this: 1. Your complaint is irrelevant to me, and 2. I don’t care about your feelings, and 3. Because you dare to complain about something regarding me, I am going to insult you in the most painful way I can think of. Incidentally, ladies this is a really risky thing to say to a man. I am a very calm person, but many men will not tolerate this kind of insult at all. If you insult a man’s penis, there is a good chance that he will physically hurt you. So if you don’t want this to happen, listen to your husband. If he is voicing a complaint, give him the courtesy of hearing him. Get out of your own perspective and think about what it is like to be in his shoes.

Now the last reason is really going to surprise you. She could have been nice about it. This is really the most important part. She could have recognized that ending our sex life is bad, acknowledged that her issues caused it, apologized for the fact that our sex life was gone, and voiced a desire to do whatever it took to make things better. If she had only just shown a bit of compassion and told me that she cared about me and what she had made me give up, it would have made a huge difference. However, it is too late now.

Sadly, few preachers will ever tell anyone that he or she may regret refusing sex.


4 thoughts on “I’m a Refuser, But I Want to Change

  1. I’m still kinda new to your blog and situation (I found you on EP). Question: what does she mean when she says your penis doesn’t work? Is she saying you have ED and therefore it doesn’t matter if she’s willilng/able? I ask becuz my husband has ED but has refused to go to see a doctor or even discuss it, much less come up with a plan that involves some kind of sexual connection that doesn’t involve his penis. That is what is so frustrating to me. I feel strongly that as this involves us both, we should decide how to handle it together. A sensitive conversation, for sure, but if you’re considering the other person (as you should be) it could be done.

    One other thing: if you think your church wouldn’t support you, you’re in the wrong church. I just opened up to a very good friend who is also a believer and she looked at me like I was nuts- no condemnation at all. My upcoming divorce due to this matter is one of the reasons I just left my church. I know I will not be supported and I should be.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. @ speakpower

    She just says that to hurt me. One time, a long time ago, I had worked to make her orgasm, and it took me about 45 minutes. I was exhausted and lost my erection. She seized on that, and has never let it go. I even let her get to me and asked a doctor for a viagra sample! I really don’t need it, but wow! I could hammer nails while on that!

    Sorry about your husband. Just as my wife has a responsibility to seek treatment for her sexual health, so does your husband.

    And yes, I have been surprised that some of the leaders of my church have agreed that this is an unacceptable situation and I am free to leave her. I was pleasantly surprised.


  3. @Shannon

    Going outside the marriage is something that I think about a lot. However, I really don’t want to sneak around. I want to have a girlfriend I can take to restaurants, movies, trips, etc. I want to be open with my relationship.


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