Just thought that some of you might have heard this from your refusing cheater. I have heard this many times. The first time was on my honeymoon.
My wife and I dated for 2 ½ years before we got married. We did not have intercourse, but we did engage in foreplay. So you can imagine how much I was looking forward to having sex on the wedding night and the rest of the week-long honeymoon.
Well, I was in for a huge surprise!! On the wedding night, my new wife informed me that sex was too painful and we would not be having it that night. During the week long honeymoon, she allowed less than an inch of penetration on a single occasion. When I told her that I was disappointed that sex was not happening, she told me that she did not understand why a honeymoon had to involve sex. I remember being speechless at that point. What else would one do on a honeymoon? For people who have waited for sex until marriage, why would you not want to explore and enjoy sex on the honeymoon? But not my refusing cheater, instead, she would barely let me see her body at all.
So why is sex so important? Well, first of all, it is completely natural to want to be as close as possible to the person you love. And having a penis in a vagina is as close as two people can possibly be. And that is just physically close. Then there is the hormone called Oxytocin.
Wait a minute, buddy! That sounds a lot like Oxycodone!! Isn’t that a drug? Well, of course it is. Oxycodone is an extremely powerful narcotic that is used as a pain reliever. It is also sold and used illegally by many drug addicts. It is about as powerful as morphine and is very addictive. Luckily, this is not the substance I am talking about.
Oxytocin, on the other hand, is a naturally occurring hormone that all humans produce. It is the hormone that is responsible for bonding. When you hold hands with someone, it is released and you have pleasant memories of that time. When you wrestle with your child, it is released and the same thing happens. However, there are two times when more oxytocin is released than any other time. The first is at childbirth. This is one reason that mothers have such a rush of emotion, and instinct to protect their children. Which is why taking a child from its mother is one of the most dangerous activities you can do. The second time that the most oxytocin is released is at the moment of orgasm. This means that while you are experiencing extreme pleasure, you are associating that pleasure with the person who is there with you physically. So you become bonded to that person.
And if you really want to become bonded to your spouse, one of the most effective ways is to look directly into his/her eyes as you orgasm. You will then have a memorable visual image that is directly associated with your spouse as you feel the effects of this powerful hormone.
So what if you don’t have sex? What happens then? Well, if you still hold hands, hug or kiss, some oxytocin will still be released. However, the refused partner will likely want to engage in less and less physical contact as he/she feels the effects of sexual refusal. He/she will be feeling ugly, unattractive, and repulsive as he/she is constantly rejected. So as the refusing cheater continues to abuse his/her partner with rejection, the refused partner will feel less and less like having any physical contact with the refusing cheater. So oxytocin is no longer released, and the refused partner is no longer feeling bonded to the refusing cheater.
Eventually, the refused partner no longer feels any connection to the refusing cheater at all. At best, the refused partner stays out of guilt and is miserable. At the other extreme, the refused partner becomes vulnerable to someone else who is willing to compliment him/her and the refused partner ends up pursuing an extramarital relationship. What makes this really bad is that society will demonize the refused partner for going outside the marriage and be sympathetic to the refusing cheater. And sometimes, the refused partner will just leave.
If you are a refusing cheater, I hope you can read this and think about it. If you do, and change your ways, you just might save your marriage. But as always, you are never going to hear this kind of thing in a pulpit.