But What About…?

I don’t know about all sexless marriages, but I heard this kind of thing many times from my refusing cheater:
1) What if I got sick and couldn’t have sex?
2) What if I was physically unable to have sex?
3) You just married me for sex!

Do you notice any commonalities in the above three items? There may be many, but the one that seems to stick out to me is that each of the three totally ignores the fact that the refusing cheater is depriving the refused spouse of a normal and reasonable expectation of marriage, and shifts the blame to the refused spouse.

Because none of the above items are questions, I am going to refer to them as statements. Assume that each statement is in response to the refused spouse’s expression of being disappointed at the lack of sex in the marriage…

“What if I got sick and couldn’t have sex?”

This statement deflects the issue, which is the lack of sex, and brings up a totally unrelated topic. If sickness is the issue, then the first thing to do is to see a doctor and take all steps to resolve the sickness. However, because sickness is not the issue, it is a blatant attempt to shift the focus of the problem onto the refused spouse. What the refusing cheater is doing is very telling. He/she is making it clear that he/she does not care about the refused spouse’s feelings and will not discuss them.

“What if I was physically unable to have sex?”

Again, the “what if” statement that begins this rhetorical question clearly shows that a physical condition is NOT the reason for the refusal. Why would the refusing cheater even bring this up? Simply because the refusing cheater is trying to shift the focus from his/her negative behavior to an imagined shortcoming of the refused spouse. IF this was the issue, then the condition needs to be confirmed by a doctor, and all medical solutions need to be explored. Unless this has been done, saying this is irrelevant.

“You just married me for sex!”

This is the most insidious of all the three comments. It completely ignores and degrades the refused spouse’s need for sexual fulfillment. Beyond that, it accuses the refused spouse of being uncaring because he/she is requesting the fulfillment of a legitimate expectation of marriage. It is also a judgment by the refusing cheater on the refused spouse. The refusing cheater is implying that if the refused spouse married with the expectation of sex, that there is something wrong with that. There is nothing wrong with expecting sex in marriage, and there is something wrong with a person who things that this expectation is wrong.

If you are a refusing cheater, you should stop making these kinds of statements if you want to preserve your marriage.

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “But What About…?

  1. 1) What if I got sick and couldn’t have sex? – Moot point. You’re not sick and you can have sex, so there is no need to discuss it.
    2) What if I was physically unable to have sex? – Moot point. You aren’t unable, you can have sex, so there is no need to discuss it.
    3) You just married me for sex! – If that were true, I wouldn’t still be here. Depending on how you feel, you might add, “And I might not be here much longer.”

    A post I did about the “All you think about is sex” accusation: https://curmudgeonlylibrarian.wordpress.com/2015/06/03/all-you-think-about-is-sex/

    Like

  2. My refusing wife used to say the ‘all you think about is sex’ and ‘you are just a pervert’. Now my girlfriend says ‘all you think about is sex’ , ‘you are such a pervert’ … difference is the girlfriend is super duper ecstaticly happy about both!!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s