Is It About Control?

So if you have read a lot of my blog, or other writings about the refusing cheater, this may have occurred to you. This may sound really shocking, but the spouse who wants sex the least is in the position to be in total control of the sexual relationship. Seems kind of strange, doesn’t it? But it many marriages, it is very true.

The spouse with the higher libido lives at the mercy of the lower libido spouse. Unless, of course, the higher libido spouse forces the issue, but this is very rare in marriages that last longer than a few years. The HL spouse has to hope that when he/she initiates, that the LL spouse will finally be in the mood. But if the LL spouse is not in the mood, the HL spouse is in for disappointment.

So the HL spouse is constantly wondering if he/she will be rejected. The HL spouse has a legitimate need that should be fulfilled in marriage, but has no control over when or if it will ever be met. If the LL spouse is a caring, giving person, the HL spouse is very fortunate because the LL spouse will want to see the partner fulfilled.

However, if the LL spouse is not a giving person, or has any manipulative characteristics at all, the HL spouse is going to be living a nightmare. The LL spouse can control the HL spouse by doling out sexual contact at limited times, and only under limited circumstances. The LL spouse can only have sex when he/she wants and if the HL spouse does not comply with the prerequisites, then the HL spouse will be left out in the cold.

And if the HL spouse does not comply with the demands of the LL spouse, then he/she will be accused of being “insensitive” or “uncaring.” The LL spouse can then use these accusations against the HL spouse to further limit any sexual interaction. And when sexual interactions do occur, the LL spouse can characterize him/herself as very “giving” because he/she is willing to engage in sex even though the HL spouse is such an insensitive/uncaring person.

So the downward cycle will continue until the HL spouse is beaten down to the point where he/she will do ANYTHING for the distant hope that the LL spouse will drop just a simple crumb of sexual contact. The HL spouse is very angry and resentful, but he/she hides his/her resentment for fear of being completely and total cut off from all sex by the all-powerful LL spouse.

After several years of this, one of two things happens. Either the HL spouse becomes a shell of a person, with anger spilling out at inopportune times, or the HL spouse finally realizes that the LL spouse only has the power that the HL spouse has given him/her, and takes it back by leaving or finding someone else. At that time the LL spouse will claim total surprise and innocence, saying he/she has just been the best spouse he/she can, and had no idea why the other spouse had enough.

As usual, don’t hold your breath waiting to hear this in any church, because it will never be said.

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