Ever heard the word? It is a combination of “chore” and “foreplay.” The idea is that if you do enough tasks for the refusing cheater, he/she will eventually feel like having sex.

If you have been married to a refusing cheater for any length of time, you are probably very familiar with this dynamic. The refused spouse will make a comment about how he/she is not satisfied with the frequency or quality of sex in the marriage, and in response, the refusing cheater will say that if the refused spouse would just bring flowers, make compliments, do housework, get breast implants, be sexier, try something new, etc., then the refusing cheater might feel like having sex more often or in the manner requested.

At first, the refused spouse is overjoyed! He/she now has the key to unlocking the sexuality of the refusing cheater and will finally be fulfilled. All he/she has to do is to complete the list that the refusing cheater has constructed, and he/she will be sexually fulfilled!

So the refused spouse gets to work. He/she dutifully completes each item on the list. As one item is completed, he/she looks to the refusing cheater to see if sex is going to happen. However, he/she is met with looks of disdain or disapproval. So the refused spouse works harder. He/she gets every item on the list done and is finally rewarded with sex! Even if it is not enthusiastic and fulfilling, it is better than no sex at all. Now the refused spouse understands. All he/she has to do is to continue to complete the items on the list! This will work!

However, after a while, he/she finds that the list has changed. And worse, the list was changed without the refusing cheater notifying the refused spouse that it changed. The refusing cheater just refuses, and when the refused spouse asks why, the refusing cheater just says that there are other tasks the refused spouse must complete before being blessed with sex. The refused spouse becomes disappointed again.

But the refused spouse trudges on. Every day, he/she checks with the refusing cheater to see more tasks have been added. Sometimes, sex happens, and sometimes, it does not. At some point the refused spouse is frustrated and asks why sex is not happening when the tasks are being completed. The refusing cheater then responds that the tasks were not done flawlessly, or that the refused spouse did the tasks with the wrong attitude. Then the refusing cheater will accuse the refused spouse of only doing the tasks for sex. The refused spouse then scratches his/her head in confusion.

What has happened here is called a conditioned response. The refusing cheater was able to shape the refused spouse’s behavior by using behavior modification. By using sex as the reward, then insisting on new and different behaviors to achieve the reward, the refusing cheater was able to get the refused spouse to perform just like a trained sea lion.

Fortunately, human beings are more intelligent than trained sea lions. After a while, the refused spouse may begin to realize that he/she has been manipulated into performing tasks on demand. Then resentment begins to creep in. And if the manipulation continues, the refused spouse may decide that enough is enough. It is very similar to a trained elephant who finally realizes that he/she is stronger than any chains that the trainer can use to restrain him or her. The refused spouse is likely to break his/her bonds and do whatever it takes to get away from the refusing cheater.

As always, if you want to hear about the dangers of sexual refusal in marriage, stay away from any church because you will never hear about it there.


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