No, He/She is NOT a Good Spouse!

I regularly read/post on message boards about sexless marriages. It is very common for a new poster to say something along the lines of “He/she is such a wonderful husband/wife, but…” Then the person will continue saying that the husband or wife just has little interest in sex. Sometimes, the person will say that he/she has begged the refusing cheater for sex, but the response is less than stellar.

A SPOUSE WHO REFUSES SEX IS NOT A GOOD SPOUSE!!
Society has no problem whatsoever condemning a spouse who has sex with someone outside marriage. However, when it comes to refusing sex in marriage, society is totally silent. I am not sure why. Maybe it is because people are afraid to discuss sex in marriage. This is really sad, because sex is discussed on television on a daily basis.

A SPOUSE WHO REFUSES SEX IS NOT A GOOD SPOUSE!
Sex is an essential part of marriage. Period. When a refusing cheater ends the sex life, the marriage is gone. The refusing cheater is as unfaithful as he/she would be if he/she was banging the housekeeper or yard man. The refusing cheater is no longer a spouse. The only thing left to do is to make official what the refusing cheater has made effective.

A SPOUSE WHO REFUSES SEX IS NOT A GOOD SPOUSE!
Anyone who says that a marriage can be happy or fulfilling without sex is wrong. It is very likely that that person’s spouse is very unhappy, but is unable or unwilling to make his or her wishes known. The refused spouse will spend weeks, months or years in frustration, hoping that he/she can continue to stand the misery.

A SPOUSE WHO REFUSES SEX IS NOT A GOOD SPOUSE!
When a person gets married, he/she has signed up for monogamy, not celibacy. If you expect your spouse to live with no sex, limited sex, or transactional sex, you are no longer in a marriage. You might as well stop fooling yourself.

A SPOUSE WHO REFUSES SEX IS NOT A GOOD SPOUSE!
If your spouse has become a refusing cheater, you may think that if you jump through the right hoops, in the right order, or anticipate the refusing cheater’s needs, you will eventually be rewarded with sex. I am sorry to tell you, but you are acting like a trained sea lion. The refusing cheater is using what is called intermittent reinforcement. If you notice, the trained sea lion does not get a dead fish every single time he performs the right behavior, but only on occasion. This is actually more effective than consistent reinforcement because the seal never knows what behavior will be rewarded. So the poor animal is constantly doing things in the hope that he will get a dead fish.

A SPOUSE WHO REFUSES SEX IS NOT A GOOD SPOUSE!
So your refusing cheater has become the controller of your behavior. Fortunately, you are NOT a trained sea lion, you are a thinking, reasoning person who can break free from this toxic relationship. You can remind yourself that you got married with the reasonable explanation of being sexually fulfilled in marriage. You can tell your refusing cheater that you no longer accept this treatment. And lastly, you can get out of this abusive relationship.

I hope you don’t ever look for a sermon in any church talking about sexual refusal being a sin because you will never find it.

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One thought on “No, He/She is NOT a Good Spouse!

  1. This is so on point! I love the term refusing cheater. It completely encapsulates the behavior of the spouse forcing celibacy.
    “When a person gets marriage, they sign up for monogamy, not celibacy.” So well said. I’m going to use this daily. It is an effective way to challenge your spouse when one hears all the excuses why they won’t have sex with you.
    We all start out this way saying our spouse is wonderful, except for this little problem. As I have found, the more honest that I have become with myself, the more I realize this is a huge problem that is insidious and affecting all the other areas of my life. So yes, my refusing spouse isn’t so good after all!

    Like

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