My refusing cheater, and many others, will occasionally say that they did not refuse sex in order to hurt the refused spouse. By saying this, they imply that because there was no intent to hurt, then the refusing is acceptable. Just like most of what refusing cheaters say, this is completely ridiculous.
I like to use this example:
Jack is driving down the street, and sees Bob, who he really hates, walking down the sidewalk. Jack turns his vehicle towards Bob, jumps the curb, strikes Bob and pins him against a building. Bob is severely injured and dies from his injuries.
The next day Max is driving down the same street. He is texting and not paying attention to what he is doing. He hits a pothole in the street, the wheels turn, he jumps the curb, and strikes Jim. Jim is pinned against the same building, is severely injured and dies in exactly the same manner as Bob.
Obviously Jack killed Bob intentionally, but Max killed Jim accidentally. So who is more dead, Jim or Bob? If we are talking about criminal consequences, Jack will have a worse penalty, but both Jim & Bob are dead. The effects are the same.
Long term sexual refusal is devastating to a person’s self esteem. A refusing spouse’s intention does not matter. The effects are the same.