Intent is Irrelevant

My refusing cheater, and many others, will occasionally say that they did not refuse sex in order to hurt the refused spouse. By saying this, they imply that because there was no intent to hurt, then the refusing is acceptable. Just like most of what refusing cheaters say, this is completely ridiculous.

I like to use this example:

Jack is driving down the street, and sees Bob, who he really hates, walking down the sidewalk. Jack turns his vehicle towards Bob, jumps the curb, strikes Bob and pins him against a building. Bob is severely injured and dies from his injuries.

The next day Max is driving down the same street. He is texting and not paying attention to what he is doing. He hits a pothole in the street, the wheels turn, he jumps the curb, and strikes Jim. Jim is pinned against the same building, is severely injured and dies in exactly the same manner as Bob.

Obviously Jack killed Bob intentionally, but Max killed Jim accidentally. So who is more dead, Jim or Bob? If we are talking about criminal consequences, Jack will have a worse penalty, but both Jim & Bob are dead. The effects are the same.

Long term sexual refusal is devastating to a person’s self esteem. A refusing spouse’s intention does not matter. The effects are the same.

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One thought on “Intent is Irrelevant

  1. Intentionality. Both partners in a marriage need to live with intentions in mind. Not only that, but they need to reveil their true self and their intent for the relationship. If the refusing partner has no intention of being sexual, that is fine. They do have to tell their partner that that is their intent. The refused partner can then make an informed choice of how they will live their life.

    Without both partners willing to share their intent for the marriage and being willing to live with the results of that disclosure, the marriage is headed for a world of pain. Sometimes full exposure of your true intentions also lead to pain and discomfort. The pain from a breakup is short lived compared to the pain that a couple that hide their true selves will experience in the years of lies, broken promises, rejection and heart ache.

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