To Refusers: Is Sex Important

I am writing this primarily to the refusing spouse. You are the one who has denied sex to your spouse on a regular or permanent basis. I know, you cannot believe that your spouse is so upset about sex. It is not that big of a deal. You are not rejecting him/her, you are just not in the mood. If he/she really cared about you as a person, then sex would not matter.

Now, your husband or wife is talking about divorcing you because of a lack of sex! How dare could he/she even consider divorcing you over such a trivial matter as sex? Marriage is so much more than sex! It is about commitment and companionship! Besides, what if you were sick or injured and could no longer have sex? Is it ok for a spouse to leave under those circumstances? Of course not! Divorce should NEVER be considered, especially for such a selfish, shallow reason.

I have a solution for your problem! Since you believe that sex is such a trivial matter, and marriage is so much more, you could not object to your husband or wife having sex with someone else, could you? You just said yourself that sex is not that big of a deal. So since it is not that big of a deal, it should not matter if he/she has sex with someone else, right? Just think: you both win! Your spouse is getting his/her needs met elsewhere, and you are absolved of any responsibility of meeting those needs.

Pardon me, what was that you said? You think that would be a betrayal. But how could that be? You have already said that sex is no big deal and should not matter? And since it doesn’t matter, then it shouldn’t matter that your spouse is having it with someone else, right?

Oh, you think it would be painful for you? If you are a wife, the idea of your husband lying on top of another woman, putting his mouth to her breast, and penetrating her vagina with his penis makes you want to cry. If you are a husband, the idea of another man caressing your wife’s breasts, and sliding his penis into her vagina makes you very upset. So just the thought of your spouse being that intimate with another person is upsetting, yet the idea of your spouse longing and begging for that same intimacy from you does not bother you in the slightest.

So you have no problem inflicting the pain of rejection on your spouse, but the idea of him/her having sex with someone else makes you feel sad, upset, dare I say, REJECTED! If you are intellectually honest, you will realize that you have betrayed your spouse just as much as if you were porking the pool boy or maid. However, if you still cling to the contradictory belief that sexual refusal in marriage is fine, but extramarital sex is not, it is a waste of time to discuss the matter with you. However, you may want to be prepared at any time for your spouse to start having sex with someone else, serve you with divorce papers, or both.

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Just Stop It Already!

This is going to be kind of a rant, so you may want to just skip this entry.

Often, I will run across a Christian sex site, where the “marriage expert” will mention that he/she had some sexual experiences before marriage, but now that he/she is married, everything is absolutely wonderful! Some will even say that They say they might have had some problems along the way, but they now have the most wonderful marriage possible.

They will say that no one should EVER have sex before marriage, because sex in marriage is so awesome. So they are saying that they had a lot of sex before marriage, but you should do as they say and not as they did. So even though this person got to experience a lot of fun, casual sex, no one else should.

So let’s examine this a bit more closely. This marriage “expert” did NOT do what God expected of him or her, but expects you to do exactly that. However, he/she does not talk about anything negative that happened to him/her as a result of his/her ignoring God’s rules. The material just says that things are wonderful now.

Does this make sense at all? A person gets to have a lot of fun, exciting, wonderful casual sex, and then says “King’s X,” “I am being a good Christian now,” “No one gets to criticize me.” Is that the right thing to say?

Some of these people, if confronted with this, will become indignant and say that they had LOTS of consequences of their sin, and it was wrong. However, they do not enumerate any of said consequences, and just assure readers that they were there. However, they have no problem talking about the wonderful marriage they have now.

I think this is a bunch of crap. If these “experts” want to have some credibility, they need to talk about the consequences before they can expect people to listen to their wonderful advice. I say they need to talk about the bad and not just the good. Then their advice will be much more valuable.

I am starting to see why people are so opposed to churches. The hypocrisy is being shouted so loud that it drowns out any good you could hear.

Hypothetical for Refusers

I am writing directly to the refusers now. I know, of course, that there are virtually no refusers that read this blog, but maybe one of you refused spouses can print this out and read it to your refusing cheater.

I know that many of you refusers have children, and you love them very much. How would you feel knowing that one of your sweet children was being refused on a regular basis? Is that something you would wish on your child?

Imagine your son has been married 5 years, and one day he comes to your home alone. He is obviously upset, and his cheeks have tear tracks all the way down to his chin. You can tell that something horrible has happened, but you can see that he is not injured & he says that his wife is fine.

Finally, he composes himself and begins to talk to you. He says that after the wedding, he was so excited to experience sex with his new bride. However, not only did she refuse him on the wedding night, but she did not have sex with him on the entire honeymoon. They did manage to have sex later, but at the most it was 10 times a year. Sex is also on her terms when it does happen, and if he complains, she told him he better be thankful that she is willing at all. But for the last 10 months, she has cut him off completely, and now accuses him of having erectile dysfunction. How would you feel about your son’s wife at this time?

Or maybe it is your wonderful daughter. Just 5 years ago, you watched her walk down the aisle looking radiant. She was marrying the man of her dreams. You had never seen any other girl look as beautiful on her wedding day. But she comes to your home in tears. Her makeup is smudged, and her eyes are red from crying. She just hugs you and holds on as if she would die if she let go. Finally, you get her to a point where she can talk, and she blurts out, “I’m ugly!” You are not sure that you heard her right, so you ask and she says it again, “I’m UGLY!!” You can’t believe that she would ever say this. This is the girl who had to turn down offers for dates, was voted homecoming queen, was constantly approached with offers to model while in college, and now she thinks she is ugly? How in the world could she ever think such a thing? Finally, she tells you. It seems that her husband has refused to have sex with her for the last two years, and he has told her that it is because her eyes are set too close, her nose is too big, her lips are too full, and her hips are too wide. So how do you feel about your daughter’s husband now?

The point is obvious. You are doing the exact same thing to your spouse!!! Your spouse is feeling rejected, unattractive and ugly. And it is completely your fault! If you want to preserve your marriage, you need to turn things around as soon as possible. It may not be too late, but you have to start RIGHT NOW!!! Go to your husband or wife, look him/her in the eyes and apologize. Tell him/her that you are very sorry that you have betrayed him/her and you are resolved to change this today. Take him or her into the bedroom and give him/her the best sexual experience he/she has ever had. This is not the time to “think about it,” “try,” or start counseling. That time has long passed. It is time for action. If you want to save your marriage, don’t waste another second.

Which Would You Choose?

Many young Christian men and women, if asked, will say that they would really like to marry a virgin. The idea of an untouched, pure spouse who will only have sex with you sounds really good to most young Christians. However, they also want a spouse who will be enthusiastic about sex. Can those coexist? Of course they can! There are many Christians who cannot wait to have sex in marriage. Unfortunately, sometimes they don’t coexist.

When I was young, I was one of those men who wanted to marry a virgin. My refusing cheater claimed to be a virgin before the wedding, and I have no concrete evidence to the contrary. She even told me that she could not wait to have sex and told me that I would never be sexually frustrated in our marriage. This was not true, but I cannot say for sure if she was lying. What I can say for sure is that after the wedding, she made no effort to improve our sexual relationship for 28 years.

Specifically, after 22 years of marriage, my refusing cheater made the autonomous decision that sex would no longer be a part of the marriage. She did not specifically say this, but had no sexual interest, and made it clear that asking about it would not be encouraged. On the 10-12 occasions when I told her that I was not ok with a celibate marriage, she would say in a very degrading tone, “It doesn’t matter because your penis doesn’t even work any more.” I found this very insulting.

So you may be wondering how I feel about the virginity issue now. Well, knowing what I know now, virginity would never be a prerequisite for marriage, and I think it is a bit silly to want it. Many people would disagree.

So I am going to ask my blog readers, both men and women this question. This is specifically for Christians, but anyone is encouraged to respond. The question of virgin or not is just too simple.

So let’s make it even more interesting. You have the choice of marrying two of the following people…

1. A person who has never had penis in vagina sex with anyone. This person will have sex with you 12 times per year for 10 years, 6 times per year for the next 10 years, and never again after that, or
2. A person who has has penis in vagina sex with 20 partners. This person will only have sex with you for the rest of his/her life. This person will have sex with you as much as you want, whenever you want, for the rest of your life.

My guess is that the white tux or dress is not nearly as important given those factors.

A Sad Truth

I have been thinking of writing this for a while, but I was hesitant because many refused spouses may not be ready to read it, but I have decided that we all need to hear it. It is, of course, only my opinion, but I have to say it.

If you are being sexually refused by your spouse for any extended length of time, you are being betrayed. It is sexual betrayal of the most insidious kind. It is insidious because it is continual denial of the most basic part of marriage. Sex is understood to be an essential part of marriage.

Of course, there are medical and/or psychological reasons that a spouse may not be able to have sex, but then one has to ask if that spouse is actively seeking treatment to resolve the issue. If the spouse refuses to seek treatment, he/she is consciously deciding to betray his/her spouse.

But this is the part that has really hit me the last few months. My refuser did not love me. If she did, she would have at least been nice about refusing sex. Instead, whenever I brought it up, she would tell me that it didn’t matter because my penis didn’t even work any more.

So I have to tell you, if your spouse is a refuser, HE OR SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!! You can say that he/she is a wonderful person, a great friend, and you have a wonderful marriage except for this one little thing. But the truth is this: YOUR REFUSER DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!!

My Mantra

I guess it is time to write an update to my situation. In January, I told my refusing cheater that we would be divorcing, and I hope it will be a peaceful process. She did not believe me. However, the divorce has been filed, and she has an attorney now.

Sometimes, I still feel guilty. I know it is because I have strong codependent tendencies. I have to constantly remind myself that I was not put on this earth to cater to her every demand. I also remind myself of the incredibly cruel things she said to me, and how she demanded that I do whatever she wanted.

So I came up with a mantra that reminds me why I am going forward. Whenever I feel doubts, I say, “She is cruel, abusive and sexually unfaithful.” It helps me to regain my emotional balance.

Intent is Irrelevant

My refusing cheater, and many others, will occasionally say that they did not refuse sex in order to hurt the refused spouse. By saying this, they imply that because there was no intent to hurt, then the refusing is acceptable. Just like most of what refusing cheaters say, this is completely ridiculous.

I like to use this example:

Jack is driving down the street, and sees Bob, who he really hates, walking down the sidewalk. Jack turns his vehicle towards Bob, jumps the curb, strikes Bob and pins him against a building. Bob is severely injured and dies from his injuries.

The next day Max is driving down the same street. He is texting and not paying attention to what he is doing. He hits a pothole in the street, the wheels turn, he jumps the curb, and strikes Jim. Jim is pinned against the same building, is severely injured and dies in exactly the same manner as Bob.

Obviously Jack killed Bob intentionally, but Max killed Jim accidentally. So who is more dead, Jim or Bob? If we are talking about criminal consequences, Jack will have a worse penalty, but both Jim & Bob are dead. The effects are the same.

Long term sexual refusal is devastating to a person’s self esteem. A refusing spouse’s intention does not matter. The effects are the same.