Which Would You Choose?

Many young Christian men and women, if asked, will say that they would really like to marry a virgin. The idea of an untouched, pure spouse who will only have sex with you sounds really good to most young Christians. However, they also want a spouse who will be enthusiastic about sex. Can those coexist? Of course they can! There are many Christians who cannot wait to have sex in marriage. Unfortunately, sometimes they don’t coexist.

When I was young, I was one of those men who wanted to marry a virgin. My refusing cheater claimed to be a virgin before the wedding, and I have no concrete evidence to the contrary. She even told me that she could not wait to have sex and told me that I would never be sexually frustrated in our marriage. This was not true, but I cannot say for sure if she was lying. What I can say for sure is that after the wedding, she made no effort to improve our sexual relationship for 28 years.

Specifically, after 22 years of marriage, my refusing cheater made the autonomous decision that sex would no longer be a part of the marriage. She did not specifically say this, but had no sexual interest, and made it clear that asking about it would not be encouraged. On the 10-12 occasions when I told her that I was not ok with a celibate marriage, she would say in a very degrading tone, “It doesn’t matter because your penis doesn’t even work any more.” I found this very insulting.

So you may be wondering how I feel about the virginity issue now. Well, knowing what I know now, virginity would never be a prerequisite for marriage, and I think it is a bit silly to want it. Many people would disagree.

So I am going to ask my blog readers, both men and women this question. This is specifically for Christians, but anyone is encouraged to respond. The question of virgin or not is just too simple.

So let’s make it even more interesting. You have the choice of marrying two of the following people…

1. A person who has never had penis in vagina sex with anyone. This person will have sex with you 12 times per year for 10 years, 6 times per year for the next 10 years, and never again after that, or
2. A person who has has penis in vagina sex with 20 partners. This person will only have sex with you for the rest of his/her life. This person will have sex with you as much as you want, whenever you want, for the rest of your life.

My guess is that the white tux or dress is not nearly as important given those factors.


A Sad Truth

I have been thinking of writing this for a while, but I was hesitant because many refused spouses may not be ready to read it, but I have decided that we all need to hear it. It is, of course, only my opinion, but I have to say it.

If you are being sexually refused by your spouse for any extended length of time, you are being betrayed. It is sexual betrayal of the most insidious kind. It is insidious because it is continual denial of the most basic part of marriage. Sex is understood to be an essential part of marriage.

Of course, there are medical and/or psychological reasons that a spouse may not be able to have sex, but then one has to ask if that spouse is actively seeking treatment to resolve the issue. If the spouse refuses to seek treatment, he/she is consciously deciding to betray his/her spouse.

But this is the part that has really hit me the last few months. My refuser did not love me. If she did, she would have at least been nice about refusing sex. Instead, whenever I brought it up, she would tell me that it didn’t matter because my penis didn’t even work any more.

So I have to tell you, if your spouse is a refuser, HE OR SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!! You can say that he/she is a wonderful person, a great friend, and you have a wonderful marriage except for this one little thing. But the truth is this: YOUR REFUSER DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!!

My Mantra

I guess it is time to write an update to my situation. In January, I told my refusing cheater that we would be divorcing, and I hope it will be a peaceful process. She did not believe me. However, the divorce has been filed, and she has an attorney now.

Sometimes, I still feel guilty. I know it is because I have strong codependent tendencies. I have to constantly remind myself that I was not put on this earth to cater to her every demand. I also remind myself of the incredibly cruel things she said to me, and how she demanded that I do whatever she wanted.

So I came up with a mantra that reminds me why I am going forward. Whenever I feel doubts, I say, “She is cruel, abusive and sexually unfaithful.” It helps me to regain my emotional balance.

Intent is Irrelevant

My refusing cheater, and many others, will occasionally say that they did not refuse sex in order to hurt the refused spouse. By saying this, they imply that because there was no intent to hurt, then the refusing is acceptable. Just like most of what refusing cheaters say, this is completely ridiculous.

I like to use this example:

Jack is driving down the street, and sees Bob, who he really hates, walking down the sidewalk. Jack turns his vehicle towards Bob, jumps the curb, strikes Bob and pins him against a building. Bob is severely injured and dies from his injuries.

The next day Max is driving down the same street. He is texting and not paying attention to what he is doing. He hits a pothole in the street, the wheels turn, he jumps the curb, and strikes Jim. Jim is pinned against the same building, is severely injured and dies in exactly the same manner as Bob.

Obviously Jack killed Bob intentionally, but Max killed Jim accidentally. So who is more dead, Jim or Bob? If we are talking about criminal consequences, Jack will have a worse penalty, but both Jim & Bob are dead. The effects are the same.

Long term sexual refusal is devastating to a person’s self esteem. A refusing spouse’s intention does not matter. The effects are the same.

Living in a Shack

Imagine a young couple has decided to get married. They are both established in their careers, and the young man has saved enough money to make a down payment on the house. Because the couple is not married, the home must be put in his name only, but it is agreed that it will belong to both of them.

They call a realtor, tell her what their budget would be, and start looking at houses. They realize that they can afford a lovely new home in a very nice neighborhood. They decide what they both will like, and they decide on things like wallpaper, curtains, and carpets. Both of them are very excited, and they talk about how much they will enjoy their new home.

The intended bride is about to burst with excitement. She tells her mother, her sisters, and all of her friends that not only will she be getting a new husband, but she will also be getting a brand new house! She tells them all about how wonderful it will be to have her own home, and how she is so excited to be able to live in her own home. It is a dream come true! She has told her future husband that she cannot wait to move into her new home, but she will not move in until after the wedding.

She talks to her future husband about the honeymoon, and tells him that instead of an expensive vacation, she wants to spend time enjoying her new home that her wonderful future husband has in store for her. He says that will be great because he also wants to spend time in the new home.

Finally the wedding day arrives. The bride loves all of the attention she gets and really enjoys the ceremony, but she really cannot get her mind off the idea of living in her new home. During the dinner and reception, she silently wishes it was over so she could be carried over the threshold into the new house of her own.

Finally, all the events are over. She and her new husband get into the limo. The driver pulls away from the curb. She kisses her husband, but cannot keep from looking out of the windows hoping the trip will not take too long.

But then she realizes that the driver has taken a wrong turn. He is going in the opposite direction of the new house! She is alarmed, but then thinks her new husband must just want to prolong the suspense. But then the driver stops. He comes to the door and opens it. They are in front of a very small, unpainted one-bedroom shack. The house next door is a mobile home, the weeds are overgrown, and the door appears to be falling off the hinges.

She turns to her husband and asks for the meaning of this outrage. He replies, “Well, I decided that we really didn’t need a brand new house, so I just bought this one instead. I know that you love me anyway, so I know you wouldn’t mind. After all, you didn’t just marry me for a nice house, did you?”

So should the new bride be upset that she did not get what she was told she would be getting on her honeymoon? This is exactly what spouse is doing when he/she refuses to have sex on the honeymoon.

A Broken Leg

A man was working on his roof and fell off, breaking his leg. He was able to drag himself into the house, and sat on the couch. His cell phone was lost, and the only other phone in the house was his wife’s. He begged her to call 911 so his leg could be treated.

She told him that his leg could wait, but she would be happy to bake him a cake. He cried and begged her to get treatment for his extremely painful broken leg. So she turned on the TV, and brought him his favorite drink, iced tea with lime. He still complained about the pain of his broken leg. So she made him a BLT, his favorite sandwich. He still was screaming in pain about his broken leg. So she put on a dress that she knew that he liked. And still, he would not shut up about his broken leg! Finally she told him, “Is your broken leg all you think about?”

Finally, a woman who lived next door heard his screams of pain and came in to ask what all the yelling was about. When she saw the look of pain on his face and his leg turned at an unnatural angle, she immediately called 911, showed the paramedics where he was, and rode with him to the ER.

As the ambulance drove away, his wife thought, “I wonder why he would leave with her when I did all of those wonderful things for him?”

Her husband never came back.

No, He/She is NOT a Good Spouse!

I regularly read/post on message boards about sexless marriages. It is very common for a new poster to say something along the lines of “He/she is such a wonderful husband/wife, but…” Then the person will continue saying that the husband or wife just has little interest in sex. Sometimes, the person will say that he/she has begged the refusing cheater for sex, but the response is less than stellar.

Society has no problem whatsoever condemning a spouse who has sex with someone outside marriage. However, when it comes to refusing sex in marriage, society is totally silent. I am not sure why. Maybe it is because people are afraid to discuss sex in marriage. This is really sad, because sex is discussed on television on a daily basis.

Sex is an essential part of marriage. Period. When a refusing cheater ends the sex life, the marriage is gone. The refusing cheater is as unfaithful as he/she would be if he/she was banging the housekeeper or yard man. The refusing cheater is no longer a spouse. The only thing left to do is to make official what the refusing cheater has made effective.

Anyone who says that a marriage can be happy or fulfilling without sex is wrong. It is very likely that that person’s spouse is very unhappy, but is unable or unwilling to make his or her wishes known. The refused spouse will spend weeks, months or years in frustration, hoping that he/she can continue to stand the misery.

When a person gets married, he/she has signed up for monogamy, not celibacy. If you expect your spouse to live with no sex, limited sex, or transactional sex, you are no longer in a marriage. You might as well stop fooling yourself.

If your spouse has become a refusing cheater, you may think that if you jump through the right hoops, in the right order, or anticipate the refusing cheater’s needs, you will eventually be rewarded with sex. I am sorry to tell you, but you are acting like a trained sea lion. The refusing cheater is using what is called intermittent reinforcement. If you notice, the trained sea lion does not get a dead fish every single time he performs the right behavior, but only on occasion. This is actually more effective than consistent reinforcement because the seal never knows what behavior will be rewarded. So the poor animal is constantly doing things in the hope that he will get a dead fish.

So your refusing cheater has become the controller of your behavior. Fortunately, you are NOT a trained sea lion, you are a thinking, reasoning person who can break free from this toxic relationship. You can remind yourself that you got married with the reasonable explanation of being sexually fulfilled in marriage. You can tell your refusing cheater that you no longer accept this treatment. And lastly, you can get out of this abusive relationship.

I hope you don’t ever look for a sermon in any church talking about sexual refusal being a sin because you will never find it.