I am writing this primarily to the refusing spouse. You are the one who has denied sex to your spouse on a regular or permanent basis. I know, you cannot believe that your spouse is so upset about sex. It is not that big of a deal. You are not rejecting him/her, you are just not in the mood. If he/she really cared about you as a person, then sex would not matter.
Now, your husband or wife is talking about divorcing you because of a lack of sex! How dare could he/she even consider divorcing you over such a trivial matter as sex? Marriage is so much more than sex! It is about commitment and companionship! Besides, what if you were sick or injured and could no longer have sex? Is it ok for a spouse to leave under those circumstances? Of course not! Divorce should NEVER be considered, especially for such a selfish, shallow reason.
I have a solution for your problem! Since you believe that sex is such a trivial matter, and marriage is so much more, you could not object to your husband or wife having sex with someone else, could you? You just said yourself that sex is not that big of a deal. So since it is not that big of a deal, it should not matter if he/she has sex with someone else, right? Just think: you both win! Your spouse is getting his/her needs met elsewhere, and you are absolved of any responsibility of meeting those needs.
Pardon me, what was that you said? You think that would be a betrayal. But how could that be? You have already said that sex is no big deal and should not matter? And since it doesn’t matter, then it shouldn’t matter that your spouse is having it with someone else, right?
Oh, you think it would be painful for you? If you are a wife, the idea of your husband lying on top of another woman, putting his mouth to her breast, and penetrating her vagina with his penis makes you want to cry. If you are a husband, the idea of another man caressing your wife’s breasts, and sliding his penis into her vagina makes you very upset. So just the thought of your spouse being that intimate with another person is upsetting, yet the idea of your spouse longing and begging for that same intimacy from you does not bother you in the slightest.
So you have no problem inflicting the pain of rejection on your spouse, but the idea of him/her having sex with someone else makes you feel sad, upset, dare I say, REJECTED! If you are intellectually honest, you will realize that you have betrayed your spouse just as much as if you were porking the pool boy or maid. However, if you still cling to the contradictory belief that sexual refusal in marriage is fine, but extramarital sex is not, it is a waste of time to discuss the matter with you. However, you may want to be prepared at any time for your spouse to start having sex with someone else, serve you with divorce papers, or both.