My Mantra

I guess it is time to write an update to my situation. In January, I told my refusing cheater that we would be divorcing, and I hope it will be a peaceful process. She did not believe me. However, the divorce has been filed, and she has an attorney now.

Sometimes, I still feel guilty. I know it is because I have strong codependent tendencies. I have to constantly remind myself that I was not put on this earth to cater to her every demand. I also remind myself of the incredibly cruel things she said to me, and how she demanded that I do whatever she wanted.

So I came up with a mantra that reminds me why I am going forward. Whenever I feel doubts, I say, “She is cruel, abusive and sexually unfaithful.” It helps me to regain my emotional balance.

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Intent is Irrelevant

My refusing cheater, and many others, will occasionally say that they did not refuse sex in order to hurt the refused spouse. By saying this, they imply that because there was no intent to hurt, then the refusing is acceptable. Just like most of what refusing cheaters say, this is completely ridiculous.

I like to use this example:

Jack is driving down the street, and sees Bob, who he really hates, walking down the sidewalk. Jack turns his vehicle towards Bob, jumps the curb, strikes Bob and pins him against a building. Bob is severely injured and dies from his injuries.

The next day Max is driving down the same street. He is texting and not paying attention to what he is doing. He hits a pothole in the street, the wheels turn, he jumps the curb, and strikes Jim. Jim is pinned against the same building, is severely injured and dies in exactly the same manner as Bob.

Obviously Jack killed Bob intentionally, but Max killed Jim accidentally. So who is more dead, Jim or Bob? If we are talking about criminal consequences, Jack will have a worse penalty, but both Jim & Bob are dead. The effects are the same.

Long term sexual refusal is devastating to a person’s self esteem. A refusing spouse’s intention does not matter. The effects are the same.

Living in a Shack

Imagine a young couple has decided to get married. They are both established in their careers, and the young man has saved enough money to make a down payment on the house. Because the couple is not married, the home must be put in his name only, but it is agreed that it will belong to both of them.

They call a realtor, tell her what their budget would be, and start looking at houses. They realize that they can afford a lovely new home in a very nice neighborhood. They decide what they both will like, and they decide on things like wallpaper, curtains, and carpets. Both of them are very excited, and they talk about how much they will enjoy their new home.

The intended bride is about to burst with excitement. She tells her mother, her sisters, and all of her friends that not only will she be getting a new husband, but she will also be getting a brand new house! She tells them all about how wonderful it will be to have her own home, and how she is so excited to be able to live in her own home. It is a dream come true! She has told her future husband that she cannot wait to move into her new home, but she will not move in until after the wedding.

She talks to her future husband about the honeymoon, and tells him that instead of an expensive vacation, she wants to spend time enjoying her new home that her wonderful future husband has in store for her. He says that will be great because he also wants to spend time in the new home.

Finally the wedding day arrives. The bride loves all of the attention she gets and really enjoys the ceremony, but she really cannot get her mind off the idea of living in her new home. During the dinner and reception, she silently wishes it was over so she could be carried over the threshold into the new house of her own.

Finally, all the events are over. She and her new husband get into the limo. The driver pulls away from the curb. She kisses her husband, but cannot keep from looking out of the windows hoping the trip will not take too long.

But then she realizes that the driver has taken a wrong turn. He is going in the opposite direction of the new house! She is alarmed, but then thinks her new husband must just want to prolong the suspense. But then the driver stops. He comes to the door and opens it. They are in front of a very small, unpainted one-bedroom shack. The house next door is a mobile home, the weeds are overgrown, and the door appears to be falling off the hinges.

She turns to her husband and asks for the meaning of this outrage. He replies, “Well, I decided that we really didn’t need a brand new house, so I just bought this one instead. I know that you love me anyway, so I know you wouldn’t mind. After all, you didn’t just marry me for a nice house, did you?”

So should the new bride be upset that she did not get what she was told she would be getting on her honeymoon? This is exactly what spouse is doing when he/she refuses to have sex on the honeymoon.

A Broken Leg

A man was working on his roof and fell off, breaking his leg. He was able to drag himself into the house, and sat on the couch. His cell phone was lost, and the only other phone in the house was his wife’s. He begged her to call 911 so his leg could be treated.

She told him that his leg could wait, but she would be happy to bake him a cake. He cried and begged her to get treatment for his extremely painful broken leg. So she turned on the TV, and brought him his favorite drink, iced tea with lime. He still complained about the pain of his broken leg. So she made him a BLT, his favorite sandwich. He still was screaming in pain about his broken leg. So she put on a dress that she knew that he liked. And still, he would not shut up about his broken leg! Finally she told him, “Is your broken leg all you think about?”

Finally, a woman who lived next door heard his screams of pain and came in to ask what all the yelling was about. When she saw the look of pain on his face and his leg turned at an unnatural angle, she immediately called 911, showed the paramedics where he was, and rode with him to the ER.

As the ambulance drove away, his wife thought, “I wonder why he would leave with her when I did all of those wonderful things for him?”

Her husband never came back.

No, He/She is NOT a Good Spouse!

I regularly read/post on message boards about sexless marriages. It is very common for a new poster to say something along the lines of “He/she is such a wonderful husband/wife, but…” Then the person will continue saying that the husband or wife just has little interest in sex. Sometimes, the person will say that he/she has begged the refusing cheater for sex, but the response is less than stellar.

A SPOUSE WHO REFUSES SEX IS NOT A GOOD SPOUSE!!
Society has no problem whatsoever condemning a spouse who has sex with someone outside marriage. However, when it comes to refusing sex in marriage, society is totally silent. I am not sure why. Maybe it is because people are afraid to discuss sex in marriage. This is really sad, because sex is discussed on television on a daily basis.

A SPOUSE WHO REFUSES SEX IS NOT A GOOD SPOUSE!
Sex is an essential part of marriage. Period. When a refusing cheater ends the sex life, the marriage is gone. The refusing cheater is as unfaithful as he/she would be if he/she was banging the housekeeper or yard man. The refusing cheater is no longer a spouse. The only thing left to do is to make official what the refusing cheater has made effective.

A SPOUSE WHO REFUSES SEX IS NOT A GOOD SPOUSE!
Anyone who says that a marriage can be happy or fulfilling without sex is wrong. It is very likely that that person’s spouse is very unhappy, but is unable or unwilling to make his or her wishes known. The refused spouse will spend weeks, months or years in frustration, hoping that he/she can continue to stand the misery.

A SPOUSE WHO REFUSES SEX IS NOT A GOOD SPOUSE!
When a person gets married, he/she has signed up for monogamy, not celibacy. If you expect your spouse to live with no sex, limited sex, or transactional sex, you are no longer in a marriage. You might as well stop fooling yourself.

A SPOUSE WHO REFUSES SEX IS NOT A GOOD SPOUSE!
If your spouse has become a refusing cheater, you may think that if you jump through the right hoops, in the right order, or anticipate the refusing cheater’s needs, you will eventually be rewarded with sex. I am sorry to tell you, but you are acting like a trained sea lion. The refusing cheater is using what is called intermittent reinforcement. If you notice, the trained sea lion does not get a dead fish every single time he performs the right behavior, but only on occasion. This is actually more effective than consistent reinforcement because the seal never knows what behavior will be rewarded. So the poor animal is constantly doing things in the hope that he will get a dead fish.

A SPOUSE WHO REFUSES SEX IS NOT A GOOD SPOUSE!
So your refusing cheater has become the controller of your behavior. Fortunately, you are NOT a trained sea lion, you are a thinking, reasoning person who can break free from this toxic relationship. You can remind yourself that you got married with the reasonable explanation of being sexually fulfilled in marriage. You can tell your refusing cheater that you no longer accept this treatment. And lastly, you can get out of this abusive relationship.

I hope you don’t ever look for a sermon in any church talking about sexual refusal being a sin because you will never find it.

Choreplay!

Ever heard the word? It is a combination of “chore” and “foreplay.” The idea is that if you do enough tasks for the refusing cheater, he/she will eventually feel like having sex.

If you have been married to a refusing cheater for any length of time, you are probably very familiar with this dynamic. The refused spouse will make a comment about how he/she is not satisfied with the frequency or quality of sex in the marriage, and in response, the refusing cheater will say that if the refused spouse would just bring flowers, make compliments, do housework, get breast implants, be sexier, try something new, etc., then the refusing cheater might feel like having sex more often or in the manner requested.

At first, the refused spouse is overjoyed! He/she now has the key to unlocking the sexuality of the refusing cheater and will finally be fulfilled. All he/she has to do is to complete the list that the refusing cheater has constructed, and he/she will be sexually fulfilled!

So the refused spouse gets to work. He/she dutifully completes each item on the list. As one item is completed, he/she looks to the refusing cheater to see if sex is going to happen. However, he/she is met with looks of disdain or disapproval. So the refused spouse works harder. He/she gets every item on the list done and is finally rewarded with sex! Even if it is not enthusiastic and fulfilling, it is better than no sex at all. Now the refused spouse understands. All he/she has to do is to continue to complete the items on the list! This will work!

However, after a while, he/she finds that the list has changed. And worse, the list was changed without the refusing cheater notifying the refused spouse that it changed. The refusing cheater just refuses, and when the refused spouse asks why, the refusing cheater just says that there are other tasks the refused spouse must complete before being blessed with sex. The refused spouse becomes disappointed again.

But the refused spouse trudges on. Every day, he/she checks with the refusing cheater to see more tasks have been added. Sometimes, sex happens, and sometimes, it does not. At some point the refused spouse is frustrated and asks why sex is not happening when the tasks are being completed. The refusing cheater then responds that the tasks were not done flawlessly, or that the refused spouse did the tasks with the wrong attitude. Then the refusing cheater will accuse the refused spouse of only doing the tasks for sex. The refused spouse then scratches his/her head in confusion.

What has happened here is called a conditioned response. The refusing cheater was able to shape the refused spouse’s behavior by using behavior modification. By using sex as the reward, then insisting on new and different behaviors to achieve the reward, the refusing cheater was able to get the refused spouse to perform just like a trained sea lion.

Fortunately, human beings are more intelligent than trained sea lions. After a while, the refused spouse may begin to realize that he/she has been manipulated into performing tasks on demand. Then resentment begins to creep in. And if the manipulation continues, the refused spouse may decide that enough is enough. It is very similar to a trained elephant who finally realizes that he/she is stronger than any chains that the trainer can use to restrain him or her. The refused spouse is likely to break his/her bonds and do whatever it takes to get away from the refusing cheater.

As always, if you want to hear about the dangers of sexual refusal in marriage, stay away from any church because you will never hear about it there.

Is It About Control?

So if you have read a lot of my blog, or other writings about the refusing cheater, this may have occurred to you. This may sound really shocking, but the spouse who wants sex the least is in the position to be in total control of the sexual relationship. Seems kind of strange, doesn’t it? But it many marriages, it is very true.

The spouse with the higher libido lives at the mercy of the lower libido spouse. Unless, of course, the higher libido spouse forces the issue, but this is very rare in marriages that last longer than a few years. The HL spouse has to hope that when he/she initiates, that the LL spouse will finally be in the mood. But if the LL spouse is not in the mood, the HL spouse is in for disappointment.

So the HL spouse is constantly wondering if he/she will be rejected. The HL spouse has a legitimate need that should be fulfilled in marriage, but has no control over when or if it will ever be met. If the LL spouse is a caring, giving person, the HL spouse is very fortunate because the LL spouse will want to see the partner fulfilled.

However, if the LL spouse is not a giving person, or has any manipulative characteristics at all, the HL spouse is going to be living a nightmare. The LL spouse can control the HL spouse by doling out sexual contact at limited times, and only under limited circumstances. The LL spouse can only have sex when he/she wants and if the HL spouse does not comply with the prerequisites, then the HL spouse will be left out in the cold.

And if the HL spouse does not comply with the demands of the LL spouse, then he/she will be accused of being “insensitive” or “uncaring.” The LL spouse can then use these accusations against the HL spouse to further limit any sexual interaction. And when sexual interactions do occur, the LL spouse can characterize him/herself as very “giving” because he/she is willing to engage in sex even though the HL spouse is such an insensitive/uncaring person.

So the downward cycle will continue until the HL spouse is beaten down to the point where he/she will do ANYTHING for the distant hope that the LL spouse will drop just a simple crumb of sexual contact. The HL spouse is very angry and resentful, but he/she hides his/her resentment for fear of being completely and total cut off from all sex by the all-powerful LL spouse.

After several years of this, one of two things happens. Either the HL spouse becomes a shell of a person, with anger spilling out at inopportune times, or the HL spouse finally realizes that the LL spouse only has the power that the HL spouse has given him/her, and takes it back by leaving or finding someone else. At that time the LL spouse will claim total surprise and innocence, saying he/she has just been the best spouse he/she can, and had no idea why the other spouse had enough.

As usual, don’t hold your breath waiting to hear this in any church, because it will never be said.