For the Refused…

Ok, I have written to the refusers for a while, but now I am going to write to the refused.

First of all, if you are here, you are an awesome person. So how would I know? Well, you had to look for this blog somehow, which means that you were searching for reasons or solutions for your sexless marriage. If you have been looking for reasons or solutions for your sexless marriage, that means you are still married. If you are still in a sexless marriage, that means you are a very caring person because you have foregone sexual fulfillment to have a good marriage. A person who is willing to forego sexual fulfillment is a very selfless and kind person. So by definition, the fact that you are reading this means you are a very selfless and kind person. So you are AWESOME!! See? I am a regular Sherlock Holmes!

Now, I will go a bit farther. Because you know deep down that you are an awesome person, you also know that there must be a reason that you are not sexually fulfilled in your marriage. So you have already done a LOT of self-evaluation trying to figure out how you contributed to this situation. I am betting you have had a lot of deep conversations with your refusing spouse about how his/her cheating has affected you and you have asked time and time again what you can do to change the situation. I bet you even implemented changes that your refuser has suggested, but the refuser just kept on refusing.

Well, now I am going to let you in on a little secret. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! Yes, you may not have the perfect body, always say the perfect thing, or have the ideal personality, but NO ONE ELSE DOES EITHER!! Also, you should not have to jump through any hoops to have sex in marriage. Sex is a reasonable expectation in marriage, and the spouse who is denying it is the one who should be feeling guilty.

Also, since you have proven that you are a kind, patient person, you will not have any problem finding someone else. You see, some people who are refused sex in marriage will not waste any time getting out. Or they made it very clear before marriage that if sex was not frequent and satisfying in the marriage, it would be over. Unfortunately, since you don’t feel that way, you are a wonderful person. A person of the opposite sex will see that quality very quickly and be very happy to have you.

So don’t worry about finding someone else if you get divorced. You are a wonderful person and you will have people of the opposite sex lining up for a chance at you.

Alas, yet another thing you will never hear from a pulpit.


3 thoughts on “For the Refused…

  1. Thank you for this. Making plans to leave. Don’t want to be alone but willing to do so if I run into another like my refuser. (Not just the sex, but the personality in general).


  2. Today was one of those many days were I felt I have reached rock bottom. I felt a little better knowing there are a few who understands this craziness and how emotionally/physically it drains you. I am still fighting it.. staying strong..convincing myself its going to get better or he is definitely going to change… Probably I am fooling myself with such notions I guess. But your post definitely made a lonely married woman feel like shes been appreciated.


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